Nightmares have always been a big part of my life. Since I was a kid, I’ve been haunted in my dreams by all manners of terror, from drowning to falling, being chased, run down, caught, and mauled by vicious animals. No, sleep has not been a friend to me. I have often woken up in pain from the constant tension, and more tired than when I went to bed. The battle takes a lot out of you.
One recurring nightmare that I’ve had for years involved Lilith and our last night in the house together. It was an ugly confrontation, one that I won’t rehash here, it will be a repeat from another post. That night came back to me hundreds of times over the years. It came back when I was most vulnerable and when the memories became too much for me to cope with alone. That night repeated itself in my dreams.
In the dream, I’m sitting on my bed across from Lilith. She has just finished her showdown. That final goodbye is something I will always remember her for. My back is literally against the wall, and at this point, I’m wondering what will happen next. She’s just staring me down. She always stared people down. Lilith would set her jaw a certain way, and stare into you, and you just knew that bad times weren’t far off.
As I sit there, staring into Lilith’s eyes, I realize they’re pure black like the pupil has completely taken over the iris. They’re empty black orbs, and my fear turns into terror as I realize that whatever is in the room with me, sitting on my bed, is no longer Lilith. She’s gone, completely taken over by some evil darkness that she brought into our lives. Still, it stares, and while the facial expressions aren’t changing, and there is no sound, I can feel its amusement. This thing knows how scared I am and is reveling in the fact.
The only sound I can hear is coming from my own heart, which is beating so hard that it’s causing the muscles in my chest to ache. Just then, in a fraction of a second, it lunges forward with a shriek. Before it can make contact, I awaken. No more sleep will be had that night.
The scariest part of the dream is that I can’t determine exactly where reality ends, and the nightmare begins. I remember sitting on the bed, and I recall that something wasn’t right in her eyes. Somewhere after that, my sleeping mind fills in the rest.
So it was, for over 20 years I had that dream. It eventually became too much for me to handle, and the dreams began twisting to include more of Lilith, her family, and my childhood. In time, I was unable to escape the dreams, even while I was awake. The flashbacks began, anxiety peaked, depression took root, and I became an empty husk. I was a shell of the person I fought so hard to become.
Imagine trying to fit 10 pounds of stuff into a 5-pound container, and that’s what my mind became. That is when I made the decision to seek therapy. We’ve been working at it for a year now; EMDR and talk therapy are wonderful things. There has been so much to go through, and I have so much further to go, but it finally happened.
Last night, the dream returned once again. This time, I fought back.